Train Pain

Travel UK

I am sorry to say that I am a regular train traveller. Certainly, it is better for the environment than travelling by car, but, in all honesty, I am only travelling by train because I possess neither a full driving licence nor a car.

British trains are in every way horrific: they are dirty, they are slow, they are invariably late when you are in a rush, they break down, they are overstuffed, the ticket conductor is, eight times out of ten, begrudging of you being on their train, and to add insult to every aforementioned injury, they are more than three times as expensive as any other train in Europe.

Alas, as a true Englishman I know that there is little point bewailing the atrocious state of the British rail system: striking doesn’t work, making the country run out of money doesn’t work and complaining--although infinitely more preferable than the former two--most certainly gets us nowhere.  So I shall end here.

An oh-too-familiar scenario

Fifty Shades of Nonsense?

I, along with many others, would have to be (ironically, I do believe) tied to a chair and teased into submission before I would read a single page of E.L. James' "novel"* Fifty Shades of Grey/Darker/Freed (and yes, I am proud to say that I had to perform a Google search for the other titles).

The Fifty Shades debate has drawn many a literary snob out from the woodwork but also posed some interesting questions. Is it positive, for example, that this "book for people who don't read" encourages those who previously believed Waterstones to be either a beverage or a fountain accessory retailer, to willingly enter such an establishment?1 Perhaps they will return after purchasing the trilogy. In fact, perhaps Waterstones should offer a 3 for 4 offer or buy-one-get-one-free, forcing panicked punters to pick up a novel not written by the ubiquitous James.

It has been compared to Lady Chatterley's Lover, which is something of an affront to Lawrence, but I can see where they're going. But Fifty Shades is different: it wasn't written in an attempt to break free from the denied existence of human sex- and sensuality, but as an overtly simplistic light-hearted erotica response to the teenage vampire-on-non-vampire-forbidden-and-deadly-desire that somehow James dragged off on a tangent, wherein she displaced the dystopian vampireland, and landed the plot smack-bang in the centre of suburbia where Mr Grey could be conveniently coveted by housewives.2 And, unlike Lady Chatterley it most certainly isn't about to be banned, with shops at the height of its release being forced to put up notices stating, 'Fifty Shades series out of stock: awaiting delivery'. What, like Lady Chatterley, it has taught us, is that we're no longer ashamed of being sexually curious creatures and that we're most intrigued when it comes to someone else trying it out first. That, or, that the men of British suburbia are far too comfortable with vanilla intercourse.

The New York Times featured a story on libraries 'debating whether to stock Fifty Shades of Grey' with North Carolina collections manager, Tim Cole, giving the go ahead finally declaring the series to be of 'mixed literary merit'. Fifty Shades has certainly been created quite a sensation (very subtle pun wholly intended) but it still seems that the only 'merit' it possesses is the ability to make airport bookshops and amazon.com a little wealthier.

However you feel, Grey isn't going away any time soon. Perhaps though those newly attuned bookshop-goers could try out the Earl of Rochester next?

*"Novel" because the OED states that a 'novel' 'typically represents character and action with some degree of realism' and, I for one, refuse to admit that Fifty Shades makes one miserable attempt at writing anything close to even an impressionist take on realism.
1. As quoted on Woman's Hour, BBC Radio 4, Tuesday 3rd July 2012.
2. E.L. James' book was originally written as a fan-fiction response to Stephanie Myers' young adult Twilight novels. Somewhere along the line she decided to drop the blood-suckers for a hunk with a whip.

Manners Maketh Man...*

...or so I was repeatedly taught throughout my childhood. In today's cruel  world it would seem people have to fight the urge to be unnecessarily rude towards their fellow man. There was a time when neither a pram-wielding individual would have to struggle down a flight of stairs unaided nor an elderly member of society onto a train with luggage. Today you're lucky if a shop door isn't dropped on your face by the person entering directly in front of you.

We shouldn't offer help because it inflates our sense of self-worth by acting out a "good deed for the day" but because it is the right thing to do. If we all helped one another out a little at a time, a little more often, the world would become a much nicer place.

So remember, when you're next ambling along a narrow pavement, step aside and let the person heading towards you pass comfortably, or, if you see someone struggling with shopping, offer to lend them a hand. Even saying "please" and "thank you" these days is treated as though overrated, which it is most certainly not.

But sure, I'm a realist, being polite isn't going to bring about world peace any time soon but it might just add a little lift to someone's day.

* BlogFact: Quotation is motto of Winchester College, Oxford, founded by William of Wykeham.